I like Jamaican girls. I want to have a Jamaican girl talk dirty to me in patois.
I woke up and there you were
holding my heart.
I stood up and walked away, but you stayed.
holding my hand.
I looked up at you, my eyes said leave. But there you were
holding my face.
I told you I loved you. Thinking you’d leave.
But you stayed. Told me you loved me too.
Told me you have been waiting for me.
I think I will talk to Ms. Tejeda. But it’s like I worked my ass off for nothing. I went to summer school to get my fucking advanced regents diploma for nothing. I did everything on time this year. I was the one of the first with my shit done, for what to get shitted on at the end. I don’t want to sound like a little kid but this just isn’t fair. None of it is fair.
I haven’t been so disappointed in myself for the longest. But right now I just can’t even look at myself.
May 1 is on Saturday and I haven’t picked my school yet. I don’t know where I am going, I don’t know what I am going to do. I don’t know how to do anything anymore. The thing is I really want to go to the University of Bridgeport. They accepted me and everything, I remember that day I was so happy I hugged my doorman I cried and everything was perfect and I was set in stone that I was going there. But then I got my finical aid package from them. It was horrible. I can’t go there, I don’t have the money, I can’t make it there. And it breaks my fucking heart.
So whatever I moved away from the idea of Bridgeport but it is eating away at me. Now my best friend told me she is going to Bridgeport and some other girls too. And I can’t go. That was my dream school, it was my top choice, it just make me so mad and sad that I can’t fullfill my fucking dream because of money. I don’t know what to so. Ima end up going to some shitty ass school and hating every second of it. I hate myself for being fucking able to live. Colleges want you to be struggling to find your next meal to give you money. You have to be making like 10,000 for 3 people a year to be able to be considered for anything. For anything. You have to to be dying and you have to write some bullshit sob story. So while everyone is posting up I’m in ___________ Class of 2014. I am over here crying my eyes out because my future is looking dim. Not looking how I planned. Because planning is a waste a time. Nothing ever comes out right in the end.
And my college advisor is pissing me the fuck off. I’m just tired of it all. I just want to go to Bridgeport, not because everyone is going but because it’s MY DREAM.